I was doing fine without ya, 'til I saw your eyes turn away from mine

Dear Diary,

You’re going to kick my ass if you ever manifest into a real book with feet and mind other than I have given you but I am heartbroken and need to move on. I don’t know what is harder, letting go of something I love or letting go of someone I loved. It feels appropriate and bittersweet to start working from a broken heart, heal it with these four years and close the circle with breaking it again, and listen to the silliest song in the world ”The less I know the better” by Tame Impala while writing these last paragraphs to my diary.

The thing is, that I had a fling outside pictures, and this morning I went to my studio and told my practise ”I met someone else”, in the sense that for a moment I loved something more than photography or anything and as these things go, they never go well so I have no place to go in my life that would still feel like a home. 

I have suffered several massive hits in my life to this day but never took one to my instrument before. I don’t know who I am anymore without it. But I can now choose. I can choose to be something else than me now that the fundamental part of me is broken. So I will withdraw from photography until I feel safe again to be in the wilderness. I may never come back anymore. It is what hurts the most. Today I took my last picture with my camera and the idea of it was no longer my greatest love, it was just a mechanical object. I have been together with my practise half of my life and today I looked at what’s left of it and me and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I couldn’t even cry at the funeral because what was buried was my spirit. The less I know the better.

“So goodbye”.